"76 non - verbal deliveries. Verbal examples of contempt include sarcasm, hostile humor, and mockery. For example, nonverbal displays of contempt include rolling of the eyes and sucking of the teeth during conflict. Contempt sends your partner a message of scorn — that they are inferior and worthless. Defensiveness Defensiveness is often a natural response to receiving criticism and contempt. When faced with criticism and contempt, most people find a need to defend themselves. However, couples can be defensive even when criticism is constructive. Def ensiveness may be a response to previous, current, and/or future attacks. If one or both persons are acting defensively, it is most likely the case they are not listening. Defensiveness may take many forms including: • Making excuses for behavior • Repeating a statement for effect • Denying responsibility for actions • Answering a complaint with another complaint Stonewalling The final negative pattern of interaction is stonewalling. As the name implies, this occurs when partners “put a wall” around themselves, either physically or psychologically. Stonewalling is often used to decrease conflict, and when delivered in moderation, can be healthy. On the other hand, continual failure to respond and/or engage in conversation escalates rather than reduces conflict. Examples of stonewalling include: • Leaving the room • Putting a physical barrier between you and your partner (newspaper, book, child) • Focusing intently on something other than your partner during a discussion • Failure to actively listen • Respo nding with a blank stare What can be done? All of the above can become patterns of interaction within a relationship . One negative interaction leads to another, often in a repetitive cycle. The following suggestions can be used to break the cycle and pr omote a healthy relationship: 1. Eliminate criticism. Use complaints. It is okay to complain about troublesome behaviors. Discussing your feelings about the behavior is okay as long as there are no personal attacks. Use the word I instead of you and describe how the behavior makes you feel. Talk about the behavior and not the person. Example: “When we go out to eat, you always embarrass me,” becomes “I feel hurt and ashamed when you make fun of me in public. 2. Build on your friendship base. Validate your partner and his/her feelings, thoughts, needs, and desires, etc."