Negative Patterns

"Communication is the key, but it is difficult to apply effective strategies to harmful interactions. Four negative patterns of interaction have been demonstrated as major destroyers of marital relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.\n\nCriticism is using hurtful or judgmental comments aimed at your partner's character or personality. With criticism, the blame is placed on the person and not the problematic behavior. Criticism tends to be a repetitive cycle—a single critical moment can end up in a continued exchange. Most critical statements can be recognized by the phrases “you always” or “you never.”\n\nContempt is a more complex negative interaction. It is an effort to psychologically abuse your partner through disrespectful statements and actions. Contempt has both verbal and nonverbal deliveries. Verbal examples include sarcasm, hostile humor, and mockery. Nonverbal displays include rolling of the eyes and sucking of the teeth during conflict. Contempt sends your partner a message of scorn—that they are inferior and worthless.\n\nDefensiveness is often a natural response to receiving criticism and contempt. When faced with criticism and contempt, most people find a need to defend themselves. However, couples can be defensive even when criticism is constructive. Defensiveness may be a response to previous, current, and/or future attacks. If one or both persons are acting defensively, it is most likely the case they are not listening. Defensiveness may include making excuses for behavior, repeating a statement for effect, denying responsibility for actions, or answering a complaint with another complaint.\n\nStonewalling occurs when partners “put a wall” around themselves, either physically or psychologically. Stonewalling is often used to decrease conflict, and when delivered in moderation, can be healthy. On the other hand, continual failure to respond and/or engage in conversation escalates rather than reduces conflict. Examples include leaving the room, putting a physical barrier between you and your partner, focusing intently on something other than your partner during a discussion, failing to actively listen, and responding with a blank stare.\n\nAll of the above can become patterns of interaction within a relationship. One negative interaction leads to another, often in a repetitive cycle. The following suggestions can be used to break the cycle and promote a healthy relationship: eliminate criticism and use complaints; discuss troublesome behaviors and your feelings about them without personal attacks; use the word “I” instead of “you” and describe how the behavior makes you feel; talk about the behavior and not the person; build on your friendship base by validating your partner and his or her feelings, thoughts, needs, and desires; and take accountability and responsibility for your own actions, without making excuses. Apologize and correct your actions."